Waiting

Each day I am at the hospital, I play the waiting game. I don't just play it once, but multiple times with multiple families. I sit and wait with the families of trauma patients who are brought in. I wait with cancer patients as they are waiting to hear news regarding the cancer they are fighting. I wait with families who are sitting waiting for their family member to take their last breath. I wait with expecting partners as they wait for the birth of their child.

I wait; they wait; we wait together.

Waiting is always hardest for those who are doing the waiting. We are vulnerable in the waiting because there is nothing that we can do. We can't make time go faster. We literally can't do anything at all except to sit and wait.

Waiting isn't new. In fact, waiting is very much biblical. Abraham waited for years to have children. It wasn't until Abraham was 100 that Sarah finally gave birth to their son Isaac.

Joseph waited at a few different times in his life: as a slave and in jail.

Then there is the story of Job, in which we read of him waiting through loss.

Of course we can't forget Simeon, who waited for years for the Messiah and finally held him in his arms.

And lastly, the disciples, they waited for Jesus after his crucifixion and the Holy Spirit after Jesus' ascension into Heaven.

Waiting....

Waiting....

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Waiting is painful. It can makes us angry and frustrated. Waiting can be sad. Waiting can be filled with anxiety.

Waiting....

What does waiting make you feel? How has waiting changed you?

For me, waiting reminds me that each moment is precious. Each moment I have with someone could be the last. Waiting has changed me and caused me to grow. Waiting has caused tears as I wait for the end to come for a loved one. Waiting has made me nervous as I waited to walk down the aisle at my wedding. And waiting has reminded me that I am not alone on this journey. While I wait, God is waiting with me. God waits, as I wait.

God waits with us all, as we wait for what is to come next.

Good in the Suffering

Romans 8:27-28 "And God, who searches the heart, knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to God's purpose."

Have you ever just picked up a bible and randomly opened it up and put your fingers onto the page and seen where they land? Well today I did this and landed on these two verses. The funny thing is, it happened while I was at work at the hospital. I admit, it is hard to see anything good in the hospital. Most of my days are spent sitting with those dying of cancer or who have had a stroke causing brain death. In the room, with these families, it is hard to see good.

When I am not in oncology or on the neuro unit, I also respond to traumas. Traumas have ranged from children being in a accident to self-inflicted gun shot wounds. In these rooms, good is also hard to see.

Where is the "good" in suffering? Or, as many have asked me, "Where is God?"

It's hard to see good in suffering. Sometimes, it's even harder to see God in the suffering. But God is there. Verse 28 says, "We know that all things work together for good for those who love God." Many times when this is read, we read it thinking that it means the "good" is everything  working out the way we want it to work out. Wouldn't that be nice?

For me, reading this verse means something new given my experiences in the hospital. "Good" for me has taken on a new meaning. "Good" has become families standing next to each other holding each other as their loved one takes their last breath. "Good" is a son getting to tell his father "I love you" one last time. "Good" is a mother donating her child's organs and saving the lives of 10 people. "Good" is a cancer patient being able to see all their family together in the same room for the first time in 15 years. "Good" is countless families allowing me to step into their sacred moments to pray for God to comfort them, weep with them, mourning with them, scream with them, laugh with them, and let go with them.

"Good" is the fact that God is with us on the journey called life and that we are never ever alone. So today, I am thankful for this small reminder from God.

Darkness

            Ever since I was a child, I have been afraid of the dark. Even today I still have moments where when it gets super dark, I start to get anxious. I think this stems from when I was a child and Michael Jackson’s Thriller video came out. I think I was 4 or 5 at the time when I saw the video. For the longest time I was afraid that Michael Jackson was living under bed, waiting to come out at night and bite me and make me a zombie. I know, it is a very irrational fear. But because of this, I have always had to have a nightlight. Just a little bit of light that would help with my fear.

            Now, however, this fear is gone. I have learned to embrace and become comfortable in the darkness. I’m not 100% there but I’m getting there. Why? Because learning to live in the darkness can be a transforming experience. And, if you remember, resurrection takes place in the darkness.

            On Easter, we ring in the resurrection with light, the opposite of darkness. The liturgical color is white, we dress up kids in bright colorful outfits, put Easter lilies all around the sanctuary, and strike up the band. This is all great, because we should celebrate, but this isn't actually how the resurrection was. Open up the bible to the gospels and read the resurrection story and you will see that we read about the after effects.

            None of the Gospels talk about what actually happened in the tomb, in the darkness. But we know what happened after. It was in the darkness of the tomb, that resurrection took place. It was in the darkness of the tomb that life conquered death. Darkness experienced the resurrection before anyone else.

            Darkness comes at us in many different forms. Darkness can be literal, but it can also be a place where we are at in our lives. Darkness could be the grief that we are experiencing. Darkness could be the loss of a job. Darkness could be the loss of a relationship. Or darkness could be the news you have just received regarding your health. Darkness becomes that moment when we feel like we have no hope, no future.

            It is hard to stay and sit in the darkness because it is uncomfortable. We don’t know what is out ahead of us in the future because we can’t see through the darkness. But in darkness, we remember, that resurrection will come. As day turns to night and darkness fills the earth, we have to remember that the darkness is only temporary. Even in the darkness there is light, there is the light of the moon. As with the darkness that we are experiencing, there is light.

            In our darkness, we are not alone. When Jesus was in the cave, he was not alone in the darkness. In the resurrection, God was present. As with the resurrection, God is present in our darkness. And, not only is God present, but so are our friends and family. We are not alone in the darkness, because we are surrounded by the light and love of our community. 

            So don’t lose hope in your darkness, because resurrection is coming. I promise you that resurrection is coming.