When I remember back to the first couple of weeks of my CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) as a chaplain, I have to laugh. I was thrown in, with no guidance, and scared out of my mind. I didn't know how I was going to get through each day, yet I continued to show up. I didn't know how I would handle the deaths, gun shot wounds, or babies dying, yet I showed up each day. Someone asked me back then if I felt called to chaplaincy since I was doing this, I responded right away "Heck no!"
Today, 18 months later, things have changed. As some may know, I have been searching for a job. I have applied for over 200 positions and received just as many rejections. Why? Good question. I ask but no one tells me why. It's hard to continue having hope when I am continuously being rejected each week, sometimes daily throughout the week.
A few weeks ago I had decided to just stop applying for ministry jobs (church and chaplain) all together. My soul has been beaten, I've been lied to by committees, I've been used, and I've been discriminated against. I've invest 8 years in my education, spent over $100K on educational expenses, and 11 years of my life working towards ordination and ministry. For what? Consistent rejection.
Why should I continue to carry on in this process? This is a question I ask myself every day. Today I asked myself this question, even tonight as I sit here typing this I've asked myself that question. Each day God reminds me why I must carry on, why I must carry on the fight. I carry on because God has called me to this job. Today I was reminded by God that I carry on this fight because even though it's hard and it sucks at times, there are sacred moments in which I am needed to be the physical presence of God. I'm needed to step into that gap where no one is standing and hold someones hand, wipe someones tears, or give someone person to take their last breath. Today, as I stood next to a scared young woman who was 22 weeks pregnant, God needed me to hold her hand because no one else was there. As I stood there, her in tears, I knew this was right where God wanted me to be. As we listened to the little ones heart beat over and over, God used her and her unborn child to remind me that I need to carry on the fight, carry on this journey.
So again, I wipe away my tears, put aside my grief, and carry on with the next application, next day, hoping and praying for the Spirit to move just one person to take a chance on me.
